I am going to assume that spammers have a theory about who we are and what we want, and they use that theory to get us to click through, reply, link to or download a virus, or otherwise do what they want us to do.

So, given that assumption, let me review who they seem to think I am.

Topping the list are spam emails that focus on money and sex. The two seem to vie for top place.

The money spam seems to fall into two categories. One is just incredible luck that means out of the blue I have become a winner. The other form of money spam is incredible luck coupled with an assumption that I am devious and willing to violate the law to get my hands on a lot of money. The interesting thing about the latter is that they expect me to trust someone who spams me out of the blue, tries to convince me I should violate the law and public trust (i.e. be devious), and yet trust the spammer. I guess sometimes it works, despite that logical disconnect.

Then there is the sex spam category. They all seem to be directed toward males. This spam falls into several categories based primarily on hawking medical or cures. Of more interest to me is the tone. Some are all about making sweet, sweet love to your woman. The others appeal to sadism. They use mechanistic terms for penises - for example, "tool" - that and talk about engaging in sexual acts that will hurt the woman. Others use interesting euphemisms, such as "babymaker". This may appeal to the male concern about virility, but does it suggest that you are only a real man if you impregnate your sex partner?

Perhaps even higher than these two is losing your internet access. Now that is really interesting. Internet access is now a basic human drive, up there with money and sex. I guess in some ways it makes sense, because many of us use the internet to access sexual gratification and virtual human connection.

In the last few days, I have been getting weird spam that in broken English claims that McCain has impeached Obama and that Obama will be resigning as president on 11-11. Interesting to think who would click through on that one.

So give me your tired, your poor, your cockeyed theories on spammers.

• spam,
• internet,
• fraud,
• email